fuck me sideways

i've been to so many therapists in the last two weeks that i'm beginning to think my name is 'borderline personality disorder'.

i t ' s  j u l y  3 r d

the weather sucks. it's cold. rainy. grey. as usual. i feel like whenever i make a post the weather is always the same as the previous day's post.

i recently went to a youth group - today to be exact - for people with mental illness and it was... odd. we made nachos and played apples to apples. weirdest game ever.

you haven't heard from me in a while.

i attempted suicide again - about three or four weeks ago. i cut my wrist this time. the left one. i got seven stitches.

i wasn't committed that time. i was let go and sent to a therapist/psychologist.

after that i got my gallbladder removed - emergency surgery. it wasn't fun but i was high on morphine most of the time i was at the hospital.

this is just a brief recap of my months. it's kind of tiresome.

i've been feeling really shitty lately.

the same old depression weighing down on me. and it sucks because i can't really answer the questions the doctors want answered correctly. they keep asking me why i want to die and the only answer i can give them is 'i don't really know why' and 'i'm just tired of living, i suppose.'

but oh well. what can you do?

i've pushed all of my friends away and i've even gotten rid of the one person who listened to me talk about my depression - but i couldn't talk to them anymore. if i did i think i would just become even more of a burden to them - because they have depression too.

whatever.

bye.

broken but still numb

i t ' s  m a y  2 8 t h

 

i know i've been MIA lately, but that's to be expected with the amount of school work i've been getting. it's kind of crazy, really. i never expected that i would be getting this much work but then, i probably should have. two english classes take a real amount of effort to deal with.

 

oh well.

 

it's chilly outside, but yesterday was warm. i like the warmth.

 

i've gotten a kitten. last saturday. it's name is willow.

 

the pills i was on have been changed. i'm on something else now, and the doctor's thinking of upping my dosage seeing as there haven't been good results.

 

i still cut.

 

last night my thigh was bleeding enough to send a puddle of blood pooling beneath my feet.

 

it was great.

 

i still want to cut.

 

even though i shouldn't.

 

i feel even more numb after last night. i want to do something worse. i want to feel something.

 

i'm going to take a break. i'll post sometime later, maybe.

 

my friend is most likely annoyed with me - they've stopped talking to me of their own voalition. right now it's me initiating all contact.

 

it sucks.

 

oh well.

 

i guess we weren't meant to be friends.

take a walk

i t  i s  m a y  1 6 t h

 

what a beautiful day outside it is. maybe these pills are working not only on me but on the world around me, too. oh well. `

 

i've been writing of late. a new collaboration novel with a good friend of mine. i trust this person so much. i'm actually so grateful that they've been my friend and that they've been able to put up with me for so long.

 

i've never met them face to face, more like computer screen to computer screen. i know them from a writer's group and we hit it off and became great friends. i don't know what they think of me, though. i fear that i've begun to annoy them and that they're rethinking the whole idea of being friends with me.

 

in other news, i've decided to read wuthering heights for my english literature class. it's a good novel. a great classic.

 

that's actually all i've got to say for now. not much has happened of late. but i think i'm going to start working out. maybe i'll go out for walks more often.

 

oh well. that's to be decided.

boredom and a cheschire grin

today has been rather lax. so far.

i t  i s  m a y  5 t h.

it's cold outside, but the sky is clear. there shouldn't be any rain but the weatherman doesn't guarantee that it won't come. the trees are swaying in the breeze and i'm still excited for the minute everything turns to darkness.

in the darkness of night i can shed this shell of mine and let out my frustrations.

the scars on my thighs and on my stomach sting but i'll add to them tonight. probably. school work has begun to seem unimportant, distant, a worry that shouldn't be there.

i'm bored of school.

i'm bored of life.

i'm so tired all of the time, and my writing suffers because of it. i haven't written anything in a long time. but maybe i'll try writing today.

i was diagnosed, earlier, with borderline personality disorder. it's a real bitch.

everything sucks.

i know i once said that this would be a blog for dead ideas and dead dreams - but i should have said it would be about the 'dead me'.

oh well, i'm pretty sure there isn't anyone reading this. i'm not worried. but just in case there is someone reading this blog:

i'm not planning suicide again - i'm not willing to go back to that psych ward; nor am i desperate enough to try and fail again.

i just feel like crap. as usual.

anyways, i'm going to take a nap. again.

fetch me a stretcher

i am not dead. i failed.

 

suicide is harder than i originally thought.

 

i attempted to kill myself on may first at around five pm. i overdosed on thirty four pills. i decided to leave a message to a friend of mine. i told them 'i'm sorry but you can't convince me not to do it anymore'.

 

they called an ambulance. i was brought to emerg at around five forty. i wasn't going to die they told me.

 

i don't remember if i felt particularly happy about that.

 

i was later admitted to the psychiatric ward for three days under form one. suicide watch.

 

i was released yesterday evening.

 

i t  i s  m a y  4 t h.

go to sleep

i t ' s  a p r i l  2 9 t h

 

i woke up tired again. tired is an understatement. i feel like the walking dead. i want to sleep and never wake up. my smiles feel forced. i hate having to bear with school. it's raining today. the skies are grey. they always are though, aren't they?

 

maybe i should post more often.

 

i met someone new. they're nice. they're a good listener. but i don't believe a word they say in regards to me and myself. i want them to stop talking about me in that nice way of theirs but it's hard to tell someone 'stop talking about me like that' because it sounds kind of rude. wouldn't want to scare them away.

 

i finished one pack of seven prestiq pills. no taste. side-effects include increased anxiety and an increase in suicidal thinking. a little trouble sleeping but nothing major. that's all that i've noticed.

 

life still sucks. earlier - during the weekend - i had an extremely close call with committing suicide. my family found out that i'd been cutting myself.

 

my mom called and told my grandmother who proceeded to call me. i didn't give her any answers.

 

how could i explain that the cutting helps me and is like a release of all the negativity i've bottled up inside of myself? i can't.

 

my mom proceeded to call my father. who yelled at me. he hasn't spoken to me since. that's probably my fault for being the way i am.

 

it went something like this:

 

'is it true? that you're cutting yourself?'

'maybe'

'no. there's no maybes!'

'if you're just going to scream at me then i'm going to hang up.'

 

and instead of me hanging up it turned out to be him. so i fucked up again. and since my grandmother made me promise not to cut myself i've tried very hard no to. i don't want to be that much of a dissapointment to her. but it's hard. i mean, not one of them wants me anyways. i'm unwanted.

 

i'm one of those people that are considered easily disposable.

 

god, i hate life.

 

i feel bad for all of my friends because inevitably i probably will take my life. i don't know why or how but it will probably happen - not that i particularly want to. it's just how things are going to work out.

 

anyways, i want to sleep.

 

i'm logging off. i'm too tired to report anything else today. aside from the fact that i should really thank my friend for having been there when i needed them.

 

thank you!

 

now to sleep.

don't leave me alone

i t ' s  a p r i l  2 6 t h

 

life still sucks. the skies are still grey and i haven't made much improvement since i last posted. maybe the drugs aren't working? maybe i have a high-tolerance in regards to drugs? maybe i should just stop speculating.

 

i needed a distraction today. it was either that or i attempt to kill myself. i got the feeling that it would be a good time to die.

 

i made it in time to go to a friends house. they were good listeners.

 

i hope they don't mind that i'm talking about my depression but i trust them.

 

regardless, i just want to die. my depression isn't getting any better. i swear i'm going to die at some point. maybe even before these two weeks are up.

 

i'm trying not to. i'm trying to 'have hope', to 'be brave' and to 'stay strong' but it's hard. really hard.

 

i despise this.