broken but still numb

i t ' s  m a y  2 8 t h

 

i know i've been MIA lately, but that's to be expected with the amount of school work i've been getting. it's kind of crazy, really. i never expected that i would be getting this much work but then, i probably should have. two english classes take a real amount of effort to deal with.

 

oh well.

 

it's chilly outside, but yesterday was warm. i like the warmth.

 

i've gotten a kitten. last saturday. it's name is willow.

 

the pills i was on have been changed. i'm on something else now, and the doctor's thinking of upping my dosage seeing as there haven't been good results.

 

i still cut.

 

last night my thigh was bleeding enough to send a puddle of blood pooling beneath my feet.

 

it was great.

 

i still want to cut.

 

even though i shouldn't.

 

i feel even more numb after last night. i want to do something worse. i want to feel something.

 

i'm going to take a break. i'll post sometime later, maybe.

 

my friend is most likely annoyed with me - they've stopped talking to me of their own voalition. right now it's me initiating all contact.

 

it sucks.

 

oh well.

 

i guess we weren't meant to be friends.

take a walk

i t  i s  m a y  1 6 t h

 

what a beautiful day outside it is. maybe these pills are working not only on me but on the world around me, too. oh well. `

 

i've been writing of late. a new collaboration novel with a good friend of mine. i trust this person so much. i'm actually so grateful that they've been my friend and that they've been able to put up with me for so long.

 

i've never met them face to face, more like computer screen to computer screen. i know them from a writer's group and we hit it off and became great friends. i don't know what they think of me, though. i fear that i've begun to annoy them and that they're rethinking the whole idea of being friends with me.

 

in other news, i've decided to read wuthering heights for my english literature class. it's a good novel. a great classic.

 

that's actually all i've got to say for now. not much has happened of late. but i think i'm going to start working out. maybe i'll go out for walks more often.

 

oh well. that's to be decided.

boredom and a cheschire grin

today has been rather lax. so far.

i t  i s  m a y  5 t h.

it's cold outside, but the sky is clear. there shouldn't be any rain but the weatherman doesn't guarantee that it won't come. the trees are swaying in the breeze and i'm still excited for the minute everything turns to darkness.

in the darkness of night i can shed this shell of mine and let out my frustrations.

the scars on my thighs and on my stomach sting but i'll add to them tonight. probably. school work has begun to seem unimportant, distant, a worry that shouldn't be there.

i'm bored of school.

i'm bored of life.

i'm so tired all of the time, and my writing suffers because of it. i haven't written anything in a long time. but maybe i'll try writing today.

i was diagnosed, earlier, with borderline personality disorder. it's a real bitch.

everything sucks.

i know i once said that this would be a blog for dead ideas and dead dreams - but i should have said it would be about the 'dead me'.

oh well, i'm pretty sure there isn't anyone reading this. i'm not worried. but just in case there is someone reading this blog:

i'm not planning suicide again - i'm not willing to go back to that psych ward; nor am i desperate enough to try and fail again.

i just feel like crap. as usual.

anyways, i'm going to take a nap. again.

fetch me a stretcher

i am not dead. i failed.

 

suicide is harder than i originally thought.

 

i attempted to kill myself on may first at around five pm. i overdosed on thirty four pills. i decided to leave a message to a friend of mine. i told them 'i'm sorry but you can't convince me not to do it anymore'.

 

they called an ambulance. i was brought to emerg at around five forty. i wasn't going to die they told me.

 

i don't remember if i felt particularly happy about that.

 

i was later admitted to the psychiatric ward for three days under form one. suicide watch.

 

i was released yesterday evening.

 

i t  i s  m a y  4 t h.