fuck me sideways

i've been to so many therapists in the last two weeks that i'm beginning to think my name is 'borderline personality disorder'.

i t ' s  j u l y  3 r d

the weather sucks. it's cold. rainy. grey. as usual. i feel like whenever i make a post the weather is always the same as the previous day's post.

i recently went to a youth group - today to be exact - for people with mental illness and it was... odd. we made nachos and played apples to apples. weirdest game ever.

you haven't heard from me in a while.

i attempted suicide again - about three or four weeks ago. i cut my wrist this time. the left one. i got seven stitches.

i wasn't committed that time. i was let go and sent to a therapist/psychologist.

after that i got my gallbladder removed - emergency surgery. it wasn't fun but i was high on morphine most of the time i was at the hospital.

this is just a brief recap of my months. it's kind of tiresome.

i've been feeling really shitty lately.

the same old depression weighing down on me. and it sucks because i can't really answer the questions the doctors want answered correctly. they keep asking me why i want to die and the only answer i can give them is 'i don't really know why' and 'i'm just tired of living, i suppose.'

but oh well. what can you do?

i've pushed all of my friends away and i've even gotten rid of the one person who listened to me talk about my depression - but i couldn't talk to them anymore. if i did i think i would just become even more of a burden to them - because they have depression too.

whatever.

bye.

broken but still numb

i t ' s  m a y  2 8 t h

 

i know i've been MIA lately, but that's to be expected with the amount of school work i've been getting. it's kind of crazy, really. i never expected that i would be getting this much work but then, i probably should have. two english classes take a real amount of effort to deal with.

 

oh well.

 

it's chilly outside, but yesterday was warm. i like the warmth.

 

i've gotten a kitten. last saturday. it's name is willow.

 

the pills i was on have been changed. i'm on something else now, and the doctor's thinking of upping my dosage seeing as there haven't been good results.

 

i still cut.

 

last night my thigh was bleeding enough to send a puddle of blood pooling beneath my feet.

 

it was great.

 

i still want to cut.

 

even though i shouldn't.

 

i feel even more numb after last night. i want to do something worse. i want to feel something.

 

i'm going to take a break. i'll post sometime later, maybe.

 

my friend is most likely annoyed with me - they've stopped talking to me of their own voalition. right now it's me initiating all contact.

 

it sucks.

 

oh well.

 

i guess we weren't meant to be friends.

take a walk

i t  i s  m a y  1 6 t h

 

what a beautiful day outside it is. maybe these pills are working not only on me but on the world around me, too. oh well. `

 

i've been writing of late. a new collaboration novel with a good friend of mine. i trust this person so much. i'm actually so grateful that they've been my friend and that they've been able to put up with me for so long.

 

i've never met them face to face, more like computer screen to computer screen. i know them from a writer's group and we hit it off and became great friends. i don't know what they think of me, though. i fear that i've begun to annoy them and that they're rethinking the whole idea of being friends with me.

 

in other news, i've decided to read wuthering heights for my english literature class. it's a good novel. a great classic.

 

that's actually all i've got to say for now. not much has happened of late. but i think i'm going to start working out. maybe i'll go out for walks more often.

 

oh well. that's to be decided.

boredom and a cheschire grin

today has been rather lax. so far.

i t  i s  m a y  5 t h.

it's cold outside, but the sky is clear. there shouldn't be any rain but the weatherman doesn't guarantee that it won't come. the trees are swaying in the breeze and i'm still excited for the minute everything turns to darkness.

in the darkness of night i can shed this shell of mine and let out my frustrations.

the scars on my thighs and on my stomach sting but i'll add to them tonight. probably. school work has begun to seem unimportant, distant, a worry that shouldn't be there.

i'm bored of school.

i'm bored of life.

i'm so tired all of the time, and my writing suffers because of it. i haven't written anything in a long time. but maybe i'll try writing today.

i was diagnosed, earlier, with borderline personality disorder. it's a real bitch.

everything sucks.

i know i once said that this would be a blog for dead ideas and dead dreams - but i should have said it would be about the 'dead me'.

oh well, i'm pretty sure there isn't anyone reading this. i'm not worried. but just in case there is someone reading this blog:

i'm not planning suicide again - i'm not willing to go back to that psych ward; nor am i desperate enough to try and fail again.

i just feel like crap. as usual.

anyways, i'm going to take a nap. again.

fetch me a stretcher

i am not dead. i failed.

 

suicide is harder than i originally thought.

 

i attempted to kill myself on may first at around five pm. i overdosed on thirty four pills. i decided to leave a message to a friend of mine. i told them 'i'm sorry but you can't convince me not to do it anymore'.

 

they called an ambulance. i was brought to emerg at around five forty. i wasn't going to die they told me.

 

i don't remember if i felt particularly happy about that.

 

i was later admitted to the psychiatric ward for three days under form one. suicide watch.

 

i was released yesterday evening.

 

i t  i s  m a y  4 t h.

go to sleep

i t ' s  a p r i l  2 9 t h

 

i woke up tired again. tired is an understatement. i feel like the walking dead. i want to sleep and never wake up. my smiles feel forced. i hate having to bear with school. it's raining today. the skies are grey. they always are though, aren't they?

 

maybe i should post more often.

 

i met someone new. they're nice. they're a good listener. but i don't believe a word they say in regards to me and myself. i want them to stop talking about me in that nice way of theirs but it's hard to tell someone 'stop talking about me like that' because it sounds kind of rude. wouldn't want to scare them away.

 

i finished one pack of seven prestiq pills. no taste. side-effects include increased anxiety and an increase in suicidal thinking. a little trouble sleeping but nothing major. that's all that i've noticed.

 

life still sucks. earlier - during the weekend - i had an extremely close call with committing suicide. my family found out that i'd been cutting myself.

 

my mom called and told my grandmother who proceeded to call me. i didn't give her any answers.

 

how could i explain that the cutting helps me and is like a release of all the negativity i've bottled up inside of myself? i can't.

 

my mom proceeded to call my father. who yelled at me. he hasn't spoken to me since. that's probably my fault for being the way i am.

 

it went something like this:

 

'is it true? that you're cutting yourself?'

'maybe'

'no. there's no maybes!'

'if you're just going to scream at me then i'm going to hang up.'

 

and instead of me hanging up it turned out to be him. so i fucked up again. and since my grandmother made me promise not to cut myself i've tried very hard no to. i don't want to be that much of a dissapointment to her. but it's hard. i mean, not one of them wants me anyways. i'm unwanted.

 

i'm one of those people that are considered easily disposable.

 

god, i hate life.

 

i feel bad for all of my friends because inevitably i probably will take my life. i don't know why or how but it will probably happen - not that i particularly want to. it's just how things are going to work out.

 

anyways, i want to sleep.

 

i'm logging off. i'm too tired to report anything else today. aside from the fact that i should really thank my friend for having been there when i needed them.

 

thank you!

 

now to sleep.

don't leave me alone

i t ' s  a p r i l  2 6 t h

 

life still sucks. the skies are still grey and i haven't made much improvement since i last posted. maybe the drugs aren't working? maybe i have a high-tolerance in regards to drugs? maybe i should just stop speculating.

 

i needed a distraction today. it was either that or i attempt to kill myself. i got the feeling that it would be a good time to die.

 

i made it in time to go to a friends house. they were good listeners.

 

i hope they don't mind that i'm talking about my depression but i trust them.

 

regardless, i just want to die. my depression isn't getting any better. i swear i'm going to die at some point. maybe even before these two weeks are up.

 

i'm trying not to. i'm trying to 'have hope', to 'be brave' and to 'stay strong' but it's hard. really hard.

 

i despise this.

fix me up, doc

i t ' s  a p r i l  2 4 t h

 

it's sunny out today. the sky isn't blockaded by clouds so dark that they would make you shed a tear. instead, it's nice. the warmth seeps into my skin and makes me feel like 'yes, summer is coming'. but then i start to think about other things and i get sad again.

 

the doctor's visit was well enough.

 

he prescribed something by the name of prestiq. strange name, no?

 

apparently in the first two weeks i won't feel/see any improvement. instead he informed me that my anxiety would increase and that my thinking suicidal thoughts would increase as well. then there's the whole nausea, trouble sleeping, dry mouth, etc. that worries me.

 

i don't like the idea of having my anxiety get any worse.

 

today i was supposed to do a presentation in my english class. i was nauseous the minute someone mentioned that i present. i started to shake, too. then i couldn't help but wonder if everyone was watching me, if they were judging me because i couldn't present. if they knew what was wrong with me.

 

i told two people, not including the teacher (he should know just in case i have a panic attack). i feel them judging me now. i think i messed up big time.

 

i wish i could have a do-over and not have told anyone. i wish no one knew.

 

god i feel sick. i feel like i can't breathe too deeply or i might have a breakdown at any minute. i don't want to have that happen but it's hard to prevent it.

 

i am a mess. i'm broken.

 

i was expecting the doctor to fix me up but instead he gives me something that'll make me worse? ugh. i know he said that i have to have patience but i don't have much patience at all. especially in regards to talking to people about my problems.

 

like how he wants me to.

 

i mean, he did refer me to a psychologist/counsellor. i don't think it'll do any good. i don't trust easily. i don't want them to judge me. they will judge me.

 

this is not my idea of fun.

 

i hope the counsellor never calls.

 

they'll make me tell them everything, i know it.

 

i hate talking to people - maybe i should just refer them to my blog. they can find things out here, instead of having me tell them straight-up. that's a pretty clever idea, right? i think so. maybe i'll tell them that instead of anything else.

 

something like this, right?:

"how do you feel today?"

"here's my blog's address. i recommend checking that out before you ask me any other questions. good day to you, sir."

 

Oh well, there's nothing much i can do about them wanting me to see a counsellor. so for today i'll stop whining about it. but there are no guarantees about tomorrow.

inelegant and uneloquent

i t ' s  a p r i l  2 2 n d

 

the sky is dark again, it's going to rain. maybe storm. school's back in. easter was boring - family-time is never something to be fond of. especially when family-time consists of conversations that usually take a turn for the worse. so in other words, i was depressed this weekend. it was kind of horrible but i guess i'm kind of used to it by now.

 

ah, anyways. today is the day i'm supposed to go to the doctor's to get diagnosed. supposedly i'll be cured if i do this? or things will get better? i'm told all the time that i need to get help. they don't want me to die - the people who tell me this - and i can't help but wonder if that's the truth.

 

regardless, i'm to go to the doctor's and see what he has to say. will i be diagnosed with depression, social anxiety and bi-polar disorder? i don't know. i've taken these self-tests that all seem to point towards my having depression, bi-polar disorder and social anxiety so maybe that'll help convince him. ha!

 

wouldn't it be funny if i did all of this for nothing?

 

so there's not much to say today. just that today is very inelegant. it's an ugly day, and i'm afraid to tell this doctor what's been happening lately. some people have suggested i tell the counsellor but should i? i'm afraid of it going into my school documents and then university's shying away from the possibility of a mental case.

 

argh! too much stress. there's also the fact that i hate talking to new people - seriously. strangers terrify me because first impressions are hard. they'll judge me the minute they see or speak to me. it's hard wanting to talk to someone with something like that on your mind.

 

anyways, there's not much to talk about at the moment. maybe i'll get back to you after my appointment. yea?

 

right then.

doctor, doctor!

i haven't posted in a little while. i've been busy lately. sometimes i'm a little forgetful. but hey, what can you do, right?

 

so what have i been up to? well i am officially going to the doctor's in order to be diagnosed with depression, social anxiety and bipolar disorder.

 

it sucks. i'm a mess.

 

i t ' s  a p r i l  1 9 t h

 

what a hideously nice day it is outside. it's cold out but the sun keeps shining like nothing bad will ever happen to the world. oddly enough, yesterday was horrible.

 

the pill bottle grows more tantalizing with each passing day. yesterday i had started to swallow them one by one but after the second i realized that i should wait. i don't want to inconvenience anyone with a funeral right before an easter dinner.

 

i keep having to remind myself that the doctor's appointment will be in three days. or was it two? oh well. it's soon. i just have to be patient for now.

 

let me stop the depression-talk there for now. wouldn't want people to worry over the holidays. haha, but none of you know me so maybe it's a useless worry. for all i know you're reading this because you get a kick out of other people's suffering...? oh well.

 

in other news, i am currently being labelled a home-wrecker. i am trying to steal away some girls boyfriend because i like him and i want him for myself.

 

am i a horrible person? more than likely. do i regret it? not yet. so why do i bother writing things on here? because i can't tell anyone else. i want to write more frequently but i do have to pretend to live life a little. wouldn't want to worry the 'rents.

 

oh well. you'll know what happened to me if i stop writing on here for more than three weeks. at that time it's safe to assume that i'm either hospitalized or i'm dead (finally).

 

aside from wanting to announce the doctor announcement i have nothing else to say for right now. i already mentioned the home-wrexker thing and i've elaborated a bit more on why i write this so...maybe i'll have more tonight? you never know. that's it, that's all.

 

for now i leave you with this.

pick me up piece by piece

a p r i l   1 6 t h

 

today it's cold outside. it was snowing again yesterday i think, and it's probably going to rain again sometime today or tomorrow, too. the sky is cold and grey, as usual, and school is about the same old boring place it usually is. only this time we're talking about 'how am i' and 'why wasn't i at school yesterday'.

 

oh well, i'll just keep telling the same lie over and over. 'i didn't wake up with the alarm'. or some other bullshit.

 

on monday i went on a date of sorts. no, that's a lie. i went out with a friend and we became friends with a little + sign next to it. in other words, friends with benefits. i like kissing them. they taste good. i think i already have feelings for them. it's weird. i thought that i would be able to play this off quite coolly, but instead i find myself jealous of their significant other. i mean, we are in no way dating. because my friend is already 'taken'. so here i am, the leftovers. i feel kind of gross doing this. they've proposed that we have sex this weekend. i want to. but i don't.

 

i feel like; if i have sex with them then that's all i'll ever be good for. there won't be any feeling, there won't be anything to remember it by. aside from the lingering attachments i feel to them.

 

it's a hopeless situation. kind of sad. kind of happy.

 

oh well.

 

my mother has convinced me to speak with a doctor. why? because she wants me diagnosed. i mean, it's understandable. i should be diagnosed, especially with how bad things are getting. having staredowns with pill bottles, and talking to myself in order to convince myself that no one is looking at me in the wrong way? kind of troublesome.

 

• depression is the first thing.
• social anxiety is the second thing.
• bipolar disorder is the third thing.

 

in other words, everything sucks.

 

that's all i've got as news for today so far. maybe i'll add more later, but for now just know that life sucks, everything sucks. especially this whole friends with benefits shit. it really sucks because they don't even know that i'm still stuck thinking about them.

nuts and bolts

i am a mess of nuts and bolts. i am falling apart. i am the epitome of madness and frustration. 

i am currently in the running for 'most fucked up' person of the week. i admit it. lately things haven't been so great, what with depression and social anxiety running amuck and creating some mutated varieties of panic attacks i think i'm pretty much about ready to jump off the diving board into hell. 

or is it that i'm already in hell and experiencing all of this because of that?

what the hell! i don't know! 

regardless, if anyone is reading this blog then i'm sorry to tell you that it won't be that happy-go-lucky shit that you see on other blogs. i'm depressed. i have anxiety. there won't be good shit here. it's my safe haven. it's where i vent. where i rage against the world and try to hold onto what little sanity i have left.

 

the question you all have to ask yourself is: do i want to stay here and read about someone's depression, anxiety and horror-story life?

the answer: i don't know. do you?

 

t o d a y  i s  a p r i l  9 t h .

 

it's cold outside and kind of gloomy. the skies are grey. it fits my mood to a tee. i have graduation to worry about now, though. i'm in 12th grade. they're making us take annoyingly fancy-looking pictures in the graduation cap and gown. i'm annoyed. i hate taking pictures. it always manages to capture my depression. my smiles are always lacking, my eyes always dull and lifeless while my face pale. i am like a black and white painting that's been shaded in with greys. there is nothing colourful or vibrant about me.

 

i'm tempted to scream. to see what reactions i can incite by letting everything out in one go. i mean, i've been wanting to scream for a while now. just never had the gusto to do it.

 

i'm starting to realize that it's almost like i've started a journal. i plan to write here everytime something comes up. stay with me.

 

i'm a very lonely person - so it's almost like i'm talking to friends this way. or at least to someone who'll listen no matter what.

 

today is april 9th. it's a lonely day. a day where i'm being ignored as usual - where i'm being told that i'm annoying. some people are speculating my sexuality. again.

 

am i bi? straight? a transsexual wanna-be? gay?

 

i don't know. i've never dated anyone. still a virgin, unfortunately. my friends brag about everyone they've sacked but maybe i'm a romantic at heart? maybe i'd prefer to litter a room with roses and bring my lover to bed with me?

 

today is april 9th. another day in my eighteen years of existance. another day that i am forced to be alive because death is illegal.

 

 

 

 

 

white rabbit, white rabbit

i am, and always will be, considered a white rabbit. this is, of course, in regards to my constant tardiness and lack of punctuality. though, don't tell this to anyone else. i would deny it profusely.

you may already be wondering the reason for my lack of capitalization. the answer is quite simple, however i must first explain the reason for this blog's existance.

'abandoned wonderland' is titled as so because it is essentially where dreams go to die. yes, i'm quite serious. posts on this blog will consist of scrapped ideas that i've thrown out the window because they weren't interesting enough or because i've just given up writing them - oh yes! i am a writer - and general posts that may consist of my events that have occured in my life.

in all honesty, you may never know what to expect on this blog. however, if you are looking for a true writer's blog with all the helpful tips and so on then you can check out the 'picket-sign' page in order to be directed to other blogs that i know.

the lack of capitalization is, in essence, just another means to express how 'not-serious' this blog is. i mean 'not-serious' in a 'laid-back' and 'non-professional' way.

it's up to you to either keep reading or to 'exit' this tab on your browser. i will keep no one hostage - with the exception of my characters and imaginary friends - so do what you will.

thanks for dropping by.