go to sleep

i t ' s  a p r i l  2 9 t h

 

i woke up tired again. tired is an understatement. i feel like the walking dead. i want to sleep and never wake up. my smiles feel forced. i hate having to bear with school. it's raining today. the skies are grey. they always are though, aren't they?

 

maybe i should post more often.

 

i met someone new. they're nice. they're a good listener. but i don't believe a word they say in regards to me and myself. i want them to stop talking about me in that nice way of theirs but it's hard to tell someone 'stop talking about me like that' because it sounds kind of rude. wouldn't want to scare them away.

 

i finished one pack of seven prestiq pills. no taste. side-effects include increased anxiety and an increase in suicidal thinking. a little trouble sleeping but nothing major. that's all that i've noticed.

 

life still sucks. earlier - during the weekend - i had an extremely close call with committing suicide. my family found out that i'd been cutting myself.

 

my mom called and told my grandmother who proceeded to call me. i didn't give her any answers.

 

how could i explain that the cutting helps me and is like a release of all the negativity i've bottled up inside of myself? i can't.

 

my mom proceeded to call my father. who yelled at me. he hasn't spoken to me since. that's probably my fault for being the way i am.

 

it went something like this:

 

'is it true? that you're cutting yourself?'

'maybe'

'no. there's no maybes!'

'if you're just going to scream at me then i'm going to hang up.'

 

and instead of me hanging up it turned out to be him. so i fucked up again. and since my grandmother made me promise not to cut myself i've tried very hard no to. i don't want to be that much of a dissapointment to her. but it's hard. i mean, not one of them wants me anyways. i'm unwanted.

 

i'm one of those people that are considered easily disposable.

 

god, i hate life.

 

i feel bad for all of my friends because inevitably i probably will take my life. i don't know why or how but it will probably happen - not that i particularly want to. it's just how things are going to work out.

 

anyways, i want to sleep.

 

i'm logging off. i'm too tired to report anything else today. aside from the fact that i should really thank my friend for having been there when i needed them.

 

thank you!

 

now to sleep.