fix me up, doc

i t ' s  a p r i l  2 4 t h

 

it's sunny out today. the sky isn't blockaded by clouds so dark that they would make you shed a tear. instead, it's nice. the warmth seeps into my skin and makes me feel like 'yes, summer is coming'. but then i start to think about other things and i get sad again.

 

the doctor's visit was well enough.

 

he prescribed something by the name of prestiq. strange name, no?

 

apparently in the first two weeks i won't feel/see any improvement. instead he informed me that my anxiety would increase and that my thinking suicidal thoughts would increase as well. then there's the whole nausea, trouble sleeping, dry mouth, etc. that worries me.

 

i don't like the idea of having my anxiety get any worse.

 

today i was supposed to do a presentation in my english class. i was nauseous the minute someone mentioned that i present. i started to shake, too. then i couldn't help but wonder if everyone was watching me, if they were judging me because i couldn't present. if they knew what was wrong with me.

 

i told two people, not including the teacher (he should know just in case i have a panic attack). i feel them judging me now. i think i messed up big time.

 

i wish i could have a do-over and not have told anyone. i wish no one knew.

 

god i feel sick. i feel like i can't breathe too deeply or i might have a breakdown at any minute. i don't want to have that happen but it's hard to prevent it.

 

i am a mess. i'm broken.

 

i was expecting the doctor to fix me up but instead he gives me something that'll make me worse? ugh. i know he said that i have to have patience but i don't have much patience at all. especially in regards to talking to people about my problems.

 

like how he wants me to.

 

i mean, he did refer me to a psychologist/counsellor. i don't think it'll do any good. i don't trust easily. i don't want them to judge me. they will judge me.

 

this is not my idea of fun.

 

i hope the counsellor never calls.

 

they'll make me tell them everything, i know it.

 

i hate talking to people - maybe i should just refer them to my blog. they can find things out here, instead of having me tell them straight-up. that's a pretty clever idea, right? i think so. maybe i'll tell them that instead of anything else.

 

something like this, right?:

"how do you feel today?"

"here's my blog's address. i recommend checking that out before you ask me any other questions. good day to you, sir."

 

Oh well, there's nothing much i can do about them wanting me to see a counsellor. so for today i'll stop whining about it. but there are no guarantees about tomorrow.