nuts and bolts

i am a mess of nuts and bolts. i am falling apart. i am the epitome of madness and frustration. 

i am currently in the running for 'most fucked up' person of the week. i admit it. lately things haven't been so great, what with depression and social anxiety running amuck and creating some mutated varieties of panic attacks i think i'm pretty much about ready to jump off the diving board into hell. 

or is it that i'm already in hell and experiencing all of this because of that?

what the hell! i don't know! 

regardless, if anyone is reading this blog then i'm sorry to tell you that it won't be that happy-go-lucky shit that you see on other blogs. i'm depressed. i have anxiety. there won't be good shit here. it's my safe haven. it's where i vent. where i rage against the world and try to hold onto what little sanity i have left.

 

the question you all have to ask yourself is: do i want to stay here and read about someone's depression, anxiety and horror-story life?

the answer: i don't know. do you?

 

t o d a y  i s  a p r i l  9 t h .

 

it's cold outside and kind of gloomy. the skies are grey. it fits my mood to a tee. i have graduation to worry about now, though. i'm in 12th grade. they're making us take annoyingly fancy-looking pictures in the graduation cap and gown. i'm annoyed. i hate taking pictures. it always manages to capture my depression. my smiles are always lacking, my eyes always dull and lifeless while my face pale. i am like a black and white painting that's been shaded in with greys. there is nothing colourful or vibrant about me.

 

i'm tempted to scream. to see what reactions i can incite by letting everything out in one go. i mean, i've been wanting to scream for a while now. just never had the gusto to do it.

 

i'm starting to realize that it's almost like i've started a journal. i plan to write here everytime something comes up. stay with me.

 

i'm a very lonely person - so it's almost like i'm talking to friends this way. or at least to someone who'll listen no matter what.

 

today is april 9th. it's a lonely day. a day where i'm being ignored as usual - where i'm being told that i'm annoying. some people are speculating my sexuality. again.

 

am i bi? straight? a transsexual wanna-be? gay?

 

i don't know. i've never dated anyone. still a virgin, unfortunately. my friends brag about everyone they've sacked but maybe i'm a romantic at heart? maybe i'd prefer to litter a room with roses and bring my lover to bed with me?

 

today is april 9th. another day in my eighteen years of existance. another day that i am forced to be alive because death is illegal.