pick me up piece by piece

a p r i l   1 6 t h

 

today it's cold outside. it was snowing again yesterday i think, and it's probably going to rain again sometime today or tomorrow, too. the sky is cold and grey, as usual, and school is about the same old boring place it usually is. only this time we're talking about 'how am i' and 'why wasn't i at school yesterday'.

 

oh well, i'll just keep telling the same lie over and over. 'i didn't wake up with the alarm'. or some other bullshit.

 

on monday i went on a date of sorts. no, that's a lie. i went out with a friend and we became friends with a little + sign next to it. in other words, friends with benefits. i like kissing them. they taste good. i think i already have feelings for them. it's weird. i thought that i would be able to play this off quite coolly, but instead i find myself jealous of their significant other. i mean, we are in no way dating. because my friend is already 'taken'. so here i am, the leftovers. i feel kind of gross doing this. they've proposed that we have sex this weekend. i want to. but i don't.

 

i feel like; if i have sex with them then that's all i'll ever be good for. there won't be any feeling, there won't be anything to remember it by. aside from the lingering attachments i feel to them.

 

it's a hopeless situation. kind of sad. kind of happy.

 

oh well.

 

my mother has convinced me to speak with a doctor. why? because she wants me diagnosed. i mean, it's understandable. i should be diagnosed, especially with how bad things are getting. having staredowns with pill bottles, and talking to myself in order to convince myself that no one is looking at me in the wrong way? kind of troublesome.

 

• depression is the first thing.
• social anxiety is the second thing.
• bipolar disorder is the third thing.

 

in other words, everything sucks.

 

that's all i've got as news for today so far. maybe i'll add more later, but for now just know that life sucks, everything sucks. especially this whole friends with benefits shit. it really sucks because they don't even know that i'm still stuck thinking about them.